yes

Sometimes, I wish I could tell the boy sitting beside me that he smells wonderful, and that I would say yes to his smell. too bad, it’s creepy. i was a little creeped out when the salesboy told me he liked the pendent b/w my breasts and was wondering where i got it from. he wanted to get it for his girlfriend. next time, i may to turn to him, tell him, I like how you smell, what is it? where did you get it from? i want to buy it for my boyfriend.

“What Do Women Want?”

I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what's underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I'm the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm
your worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment
from its hanger like I'm choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and the love-cries too,
and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,
it'll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.

-Kim Addonizio

I lost you.

I was going thru my notes today and found this note – no date, but it most likely belongs to summer 2008. Here is what it said:

If four years ago you entered my life, you officially walked into it a few hours ago. I woke up with a part of you inside me. How thankful. How regretful. For those moments.

Every year, this time the mute heart craves for you. For your long overdue haircut, your unshaved face, your awkward posture, andthe  shy smile that comes thru every word.

The truth is, I just miss feeling you. Thinking of you. Having you.

You won’t be coming to me. But the moments we shared are reserved. Good times.

Best wishes, my silent lost boy.

I am a bitch.

We run

We wait

Light in our faces

We love

We yell

We hurt

Kick in our stomachs

I am a bitch.

A mega bitch.

I used to think it was just my critical thinking

But now,

Today,

I misrepresent

As if I am a lion freed from a life long cage

No limitations

No strings attached

I need brarriers

Hold me back

No more shame. please.

No more regrets.

Sick of it.

Keep me quiet.

Make me the woman without opinion.

Or at least,

Take away my need to express

that damn opinion

People say, knowlegde is good.

I say, knowledge bites

causes suffering

frustrates.

I am exhaustedd of the anger

Give me fear

Put me in chains

Or at least let me be Dorian Gray.

Sin, but don’t reveal

Hurt

Yell

But all in silence

Just between you and me.

That’s my request

I’d hate it if it’s that same as yours.

See,

Told you

I am a bitch

a megabitch.

ring or no ring?

I have to say that even though I have a really nice-looking ring finger, and rings tend to looks really nice on that particular finger, my ring finger is my least favourite body part. why? b/c it’s always a statement! whether you are wearing a ring or not. doesn’t matter. wearing a ring, married? engaged? hooked up? not wearing a ring? single? divorced? argh! I just hate how this finger always has to make a statement. Frankly, I don’t know what to do with it. I’m not entirely sure if I want a wedding ring even if I’m married, and let’s say I’m married and have a ring, why should every random person on the street know that I’m married? isn’t it creepy?

maybe I should chop it off.

no.

kidding.

horrible, horrible, horrible, bad, bad, bad idea!

marriage? no!

Seems like everyone’s getting married. and i wonder, is there something wrong that I’m not getting married? or that I’m not even thinking about it? Or that I can’t even imagine myself in a white dress? Marriage seems so far to me. Weddings don’t even exist in my mind. Yes, at some point in my life, I want to make the decision to be someone. But not yet. The thing is, in all honesty, I think marriage is too risky when you’re young. I mean how do you know that the person you have only known for a minimal percentage of your lifetime is going to be the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with? you simply have minimal knowledge about yourself and that person. The only thing that makes me think that marriage should happen at a relatively young age is that I don’t think having a large age difference with your children is a great idea. Children need young and enthusiastic parents. The other problem is that as women age, reproduction also gets more difficult. Damn nature! But of course you can overcome this problem by adopting. But what if the woman really wants to experience pregancy and child birth?

too many thoughts. marriage is too risky. that’s my conclusion. and, well, i am still young.

Mike check

I relate so much with this poem, that it almost made me shiver at the end. There is so much I share with Suheir as woman of visible minority.

Here it is:

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

-Langston Hughes

The Hardest Part

I just came from the Coldplay concert in Vancouver. I had an amazing time. The show was beautiful. Coldplay is such a nice bad. They came amongst the audience in the back, and performed there for part of the concert. They also gave everyone a free CD, nice, eh?

Anyways, one of the songs that they performed tonight was The Hardest Part. I had forgotten about this song, and listening to the lyrics at the concert I realized how much it relates to how I feel today. I want to share the lyrics with everyone. Here we go:

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You’re a silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I
Oh, and I
I wonder what it’s all about [x2]

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and thats the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah, thats the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

the thing between your legs

You touched me

I touched you

I didn’t want to

your ungracious hands

they touched me

all over me

almost at my breasts

my back

my whole body

and then you forced me

between your legs

and there I was

confused

still between your legs

repeating the movement

1, 2

1,2

and then I felt it

the thing between your legs

a patch of skin on my right thigh still feels your penis

and I hate it

and I rub it

and rub it again

it won’t go away

the skin has memorized the touch of your penis

and it won’t wash away

i want to wash it

to clean it

to remove everything that has to do with you

from me

leave me

leave everyone like me

and don’t touch me

again

and don’t make me

touch you

because i don’t want to

that patch of skin on my right thigh has a memory

-Oshinsr